I think I need a break.
I am sick of work. I am sick of the politics, the bullshit, the gameplaying, the petty comments and attitudes …
I am sick of other parents. Again, the bullshit, the gameplaying, the petty attitudes …
Does EVERYONE feel the need to prove something? Just live your goddamn life!
It's gotten to the point that when I actually encounter someone genuinely nice and normal, it feels like fucking Christmas.
I'm not even sure I know how to interact with such people anymore.
I used to love living in (and around) the city, surrounded by lots of people and life.
Now I just want a giant plot of land with a razor-wire fence and patrolling attack dogs.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Maybe it's me ...
... just being an asshole, but should people ask for prayers for minor things? I see that on Facebook all the time.
I could be the wrong person to rant about this, but shouldn't prayers be reserved for serious illness or other dire circumstances? Not like, "Pray my daughter gets accepted into community college?" or "Please say a prayer for me. I am going in for hangnail surgery."
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
No, I'm fine ... really. It's allergies.
I am a very sensitive, emotional person. Over the years, I've learned to put up a facade in order to appear otherwise, and in some instances, I have a thicker skin than I used to. But really, I am a soft ball of emotional mush.
Most of the time, it's an awful affliction to have -- the propensity to cry.
I cry at movies. My family drives me INSANE by looking at me to see if I'm crying at sad moments on the screen. I actually get pissed and end up stomping off. Can't a woman cry in peace?
I cry at stories I hear or read about.
I cry if I attend a funeral to support a friend, even if the deceased is a person I've never met.
I cry when I think about the fact that my youngest child is nearly 8 years old, or the fact that my oldest is nearly a bona fide teenager and high school student.
It's mortifying to be crying at a movie when the person you're with is dry-eyed, or when you leave a live production or dance performance with red, puffy eyes. No one else looks like that!
And when it came time for our youngest to graduate from the preschool our three children attended for 10 straight years, well … I was a mess. A total weeping mess. Was anyone else surrounded by wadded up tissues? Noooo.
I've tried all manner of ways to NOT cry in the above situations. I physically steel myself. I will my eyes to remain dry. I clench my jaw and stare hard into space. I immediately try to change the direction of my thoughts. I even ridicule myself for being such a wuss.
Sometimes it works; mostly, it doesn’t.
The most I can hope for is that if people notice, they have mercy on me and look the other way or pretend not to notice.
Anyone else out there a chronic crier? I wish so much that I could control my emotions better. I often wonder what's wrong with me? I wish that I was one of those women who remain steely eyed even in moments of emotional turmoil. I am a strong, in-control person with a firm grip on my crazy life. Except for these maddeningly weak moments.
When your 12-year-old daughter has a better handle on her emotions than you do, you know you've got issues.
Pass the tissues.
Most of the time, it's an awful affliction to have -- the propensity to cry.
I cry at movies. My family drives me INSANE by looking at me to see if I'm crying at sad moments on the screen. I actually get pissed and end up stomping off. Can't a woman cry in peace?
I cry at stories I hear or read about.
I cry if I attend a funeral to support a friend, even if the deceased is a person I've never met.
I cry when I think about the fact that my youngest child is nearly 8 years old, or the fact that my oldest is nearly a bona fide teenager and high school student.
It's mortifying to be crying at a movie when the person you're with is dry-eyed, or when you leave a live production or dance performance with red, puffy eyes. No one else looks like that!
And when it came time for our youngest to graduate from the preschool our three children attended for 10 straight years, well … I was a mess. A total weeping mess. Was anyone else surrounded by wadded up tissues? Noooo.
I've tried all manner of ways to NOT cry in the above situations. I physically steel myself. I will my eyes to remain dry. I clench my jaw and stare hard into space. I immediately try to change the direction of my thoughts. I even ridicule myself for being such a wuss.
Sometimes it works; mostly, it doesn’t.
The most I can hope for is that if people notice, they have mercy on me and look the other way or pretend not to notice.
Anyone else out there a chronic crier? I wish so much that I could control my emotions better. I often wonder what's wrong with me? I wish that I was one of those women who remain steely eyed even in moments of emotional turmoil. I am a strong, in-control person with a firm grip on my crazy life. Except for these maddeningly weak moments.
When your 12-year-old daughter has a better handle on her emotions than you do, you know you've got issues.
Pass the tissues.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Mired in mental muck
Seriously considering happy pills.
The older I get, the more I start really examining things in my life.
Like the fact that, at my age, I still don't know exactly who I am. That's pathetic, isn't it? Yeah. It is. Most people I know are confident and sure of themselves and the path they're on. Not me. I second-guess myself a lot. I'm always trying to fit some mold I create for myself instead of just being ME.
Like the fact that this is it. One shot. I could die tomorrow, or something horrific could happen and life could be forever altered. And what about the life I lived? Was it full? Was it what I wanted it to be? Why don't I do more of the small things I want to do? Even something so simple as going to a coffee shop or book shop and relaxing? Or taking a walk even when the rest of my family doesn't want to? Or going to dinner or for drinks with a friend like we've been trying to do for ages?
Like the fact that, while my children are getting older, as children are wont to do, I still have a hard time realizing just how old they are now. And when I sit and think about it, it scares me. My children are my life (every 'expert' tells you that's a bad thing, but it's true), and they are slowing slipping away, toward adolescence and ever-increasing independence. I try to enjoy my time with them as much as I can, but sometimes I feel like life's stresses get in the way. I hate that, but I am consciously trying to change it all the time.
Like why can't I be one of those happy, carefree, positive people? You can't just flip a switch. Believe me, I've tried to talk myself into it. It's much more difficult than it sounds.
The older I get, the more I start really examining things in my life.
Like the fact that, at my age, I still don't know exactly who I am. That's pathetic, isn't it? Yeah. It is. Most people I know are confident and sure of themselves and the path they're on. Not me. I second-guess myself a lot. I'm always trying to fit some mold I create for myself instead of just being ME.
Like the fact that this is it. One shot. I could die tomorrow, or something horrific could happen and life could be forever altered. And what about the life I lived? Was it full? Was it what I wanted it to be? Why don't I do more of the small things I want to do? Even something so simple as going to a coffee shop or book shop and relaxing? Or taking a walk even when the rest of my family doesn't want to? Or going to dinner or for drinks with a friend like we've been trying to do for ages?
Like the fact that, while my children are getting older, as children are wont to do, I still have a hard time realizing just how old they are now. And when I sit and think about it, it scares me. My children are my life (every 'expert' tells you that's a bad thing, but it's true), and they are slowing slipping away, toward adolescence and ever-increasing independence. I try to enjoy my time with them as much as I can, but sometimes I feel like life's stresses get in the way. I hate that, but I am consciously trying to change it all the time.
Like why can't I be one of those happy, carefree, positive people? You can't just flip a switch. Believe me, I've tried to talk myself into it. It's much more difficult than it sounds.
Friday, April 27, 2012
A change of heart for a doubter?
My whole life, I've considered myself an agnostic.
I don't go around advertising that fact; I've learned long ago that it's best to keep quiet about these things unless asked.
I'd also never give voice to the judgmental feelings I had about people who wholeheartedly believe in religion. I'll be honest. I often thought of it as a sign of weakness, a crutch or convenient excuse. I'd mask my annoyance when someone would credit an invisible higher being for something good -- someone's successful medical procedure, a game well played ... anything like that.
And I'd also find fault with people who left things up to what they said was God's will. Or claimed something terrible happened because it's all in his grand plan.
However, no matter how I felt or feel about such things, I certainly don't go around criticizing people for their beliefs, just as I hope no one openly criticizes me for mine. I have judged them, a fact of which I am not proud, but I have never said as much. Live and let live, as they say. People don't have to agree.
So, considering my beliefs or lack thereof, I haven't set foot inside a church except for weddings and funerals since I was a very young girl.
But now, I've had a change of heart. Not really about religion itself -- I'm not sure anything could sway me so easily. But I am considering going to church. Just to see.
In the past year or so, I've met some wonderful people who I admire greatly. I love their positivity and patience, their spirit of giving and their dedication to their beliefs, all without an ounce of hypocrisy (which happens to be one of the reasons I balk at the idea of organized religion).
So I've been considering going to their church with an open mind to just see what they have to say.
I am interested to see how they apply religion to their everyday lives. Unlike some examples I've seen, my friends seem to live their lives according to their beliefs, in some very real and positive ways.
I am trying to be more open-minded as I get older. I guess the whole idea sounds selfish, but the people I've met so far are the kind of friends I like to have, and it can never be a bad thing to meet new people.
Life's a journey; sometimes it takes you on some twists and turns you never would have anticipated, and could lead you to surprising destinations.
We shall see.
I don't go around advertising that fact; I've learned long ago that it's best to keep quiet about these things unless asked.
I'd also never give voice to the judgmental feelings I had about people who wholeheartedly believe in religion. I'll be honest. I often thought of it as a sign of weakness, a crutch or convenient excuse. I'd mask my annoyance when someone would credit an invisible higher being for something good -- someone's successful medical procedure, a game well played ... anything like that.
And I'd also find fault with people who left things up to what they said was God's will. Or claimed something terrible happened because it's all in his grand plan.
However, no matter how I felt or feel about such things, I certainly don't go around criticizing people for their beliefs, just as I hope no one openly criticizes me for mine. I have judged them, a fact of which I am not proud, but I have never said as much. Live and let live, as they say. People don't have to agree.
So, considering my beliefs or lack thereof, I haven't set foot inside a church except for weddings and funerals since I was a very young girl.
But now, I've had a change of heart. Not really about religion itself -- I'm not sure anything could sway me so easily. But I am considering going to church. Just to see.
In the past year or so, I've met some wonderful people who I admire greatly. I love their positivity and patience, their spirit of giving and their dedication to their beliefs, all without an ounce of hypocrisy (which happens to be one of the reasons I balk at the idea of organized religion).
So I've been considering going to their church with an open mind to just see what they have to say.
I am interested to see how they apply religion to their everyday lives. Unlike some examples I've seen, my friends seem to live their lives according to their beliefs, in some very real and positive ways.
I am trying to be more open-minded as I get older. I guess the whole idea sounds selfish, but the people I've met so far are the kind of friends I like to have, and it can never be a bad thing to meet new people.
Life's a journey; sometimes it takes you on some twists and turns you never would have anticipated, and could lead you to surprising destinations.
We shall see.
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